Tints of Black and White
by Becca2793
Summary: My analysis of Kanda in chapter 208. The one-shot is pretty much a gigantic spoiler alert if you haven't read it. VERY light Yullen.


**Er, this is pretty much one GIGANTIC spoiler alert. If you haven't read chapter 208 of the DGM manga yet, you should definitely do that before reading this. Hell, you should read it ANYWAY, because it's probably my favorite chapter yet. **

**In the spirit of Hosino's update, I've written a small, thousand word drabble on Kanda as he's receiving Mugen's Crystalline form. I dunno, just about his thoughts. Since Yullen is my life, this has the small tones of it. Or large tones depending on how you look at it. Whatever. Yullen. Enjoy. **

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><p><em>Tints of Black and White<em>

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><p>Blood drips slowly. It is thick and runs down his arms like a trickling stream that opens via tributary into the open sea. Pooling at his wrists, dipping over the curves of his palms, sliding along his fingers. This is something he understands and accepts.<p>

Like the lotus blossoms that crowd his vision, their petals pink and soft like new skin, he has accepted this new burden – this unbinding attachment to the Order. To the Innocence. He was never truly free, he will never be truly free. It is no matter whether or not the god crystal is now a part of his being. Having Mugen entwine with his soul – it can only help. Even with Lenalee's worry, with all of their worries, there is only one that there is left to fight for. Alma Karma is dead.

But Allen Walker is alive.

_The Order's been trying it's best to find him, but there's been no trace at all. As expected of Cross' disciple, I suppose you could say…_

An idiot. Casting aside everything, deepening suspicions by opening a gate to Mater; what did he hope to accomplish?

Still, he is grateful to the beansprout. After his three month search, after everything, the only thing he ended up finding was annoyance and dead-ends. To come back to a home without the short-stack – it leaves something inside of him burning. Well, he never considered the Order his home in the first place, so it doesn't really matter; still, he cannot let his thank you be the last thing said between them. Even knowing that such compassion and idiocy is instilled in the boy's being, he still feels he owes him something. And he hates that feeling.

So if for no one else, not for the Order who he has not forgiven or for Alma who is dead or for that woman…for repaying Walker. Because that short child gave him something irreplaceable. Something he'd wanted for a long time.

Closure.

But with that door closing, another has opened. Unspoken and unwavering, a burning feeling that settles in his gut when he realizes Walker has tossed aside everything for his one contentment. If only he can just do this, evolve into something that can once and for all destroy the Noah and perhaps repay Walker's deed. He supposes it will help, killing that bastard Millennium Earl. But will it? From how he's been filled in, the Fourteenth Noah wants nothing more than the Earl to be dead. Will he awaken fully and overtake the beansprout's body if that is accomplished?

Then there is the question of Crowned Clown. If the Fourteenth Noah takes over Walker's body, the Noah and Innocence will clash and he will be destroyed.

Nonetheless, he is not able to sit and do nothing. His limbs itch for combat, to kill something again. If this Mugen does not fulfill his wishes to completion, it will not hurt either.

And then, once his payment has been received, once that damn beansprout expresses some true feeling, once he _smiles_, Kanda's existence will be complete. With no Alma, no Earl, no repayment…with that woman gone…there is no reason.

_Well, you're also going to hell then. _

Yes. Hell. The word sounds sweet in his mind. He is not a coward, but he sees no point in living a meaningless life. Without a reason, what is there?

Lenalee?

She is so worried for him, he can tell. And he understands her friends are her life; that if he were to disappear again, a piece of her world would shatter.

No.

The rabbit?

If he were to disappear Lavi would, as a bookman, be fine. Isn't that what Bookman tells him, not to get too personal? Too close? But it's Lavi, and his insatiable thirst for love and friendship _has_ put him in a position of closeness, of caring. Still.

No.

The stigmata on his forearms seem to be like dam walls, opening and flooding with blood. The Crystalline form of Mugen sweeps around him, beckoning, hardened red wings flapping slowly, slowly. Then it spins in on itself, forms into a hilt, then a blade.

"Mugen, activate."

The sword is so light in his hands, an extension of his arms. Mugen has always felt a part of him, but now it literally is – his blood creating the hardened structure. A structure so pure and beautiful he finds himself inwardly marveling at how strange and new it feels.

His hair has fallen around him. He points the tip of Mugen outward, holds a determine expression on his face. This is all there is now. Innocence and Noah. Good and Evil. The gray undertones of life fade out – stark black and stark white stand out now, shadows and highlights playing against his vision.

No, perhaps it is not all.

He settles, and the blacks and white morph together. Not an illusion, but a metaphor.

Allen Walker?

The child himself? Setting aside payments and gratitude – the white haired boy himself. Inside his mind, a side of himself he does not let show, he hopes for reason, for some kind of purpose in this chaotic world. Motivation. He vaguely remembers the soft scent of vanilla clashing with the copper scent of blood as petals sweep around. Stabbing Walker, it did something to him. The self-hate and regret as he understands he is the one who awakened the Noah, or at the least helped to. He has always lived with regrets, and immediately after one is completely vanished, another appears. Is this how he is destined to live? To eternally fuck up?

And yet this kid still helped him. He is grateful for him tossing aside everything and helping him, yes, but what confuses him most is that Walker did it after he nearly killed the pale boy. It only proves to deepen his resolve.

Kanda Yuu has never lived for another human being – lived to help them. Until now.

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed. I mean, I think Kanda might be a bit OOC, but seriously, who knows what goes on inside that boy's mind? Really. And after all the shit with him and Alma - all the goddamned <em>SMILING<em> he does in 207 and 208, it's safe to say his mentality has eased up a good bit. Just sayin'.** **On a kind of but not really unrelated note: Kanda is damn sexy when he smiles. He's sexy when he doesn't, but he's definitely orgasmic when he does.**


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